Jail Humor


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why couldn't the Inmate call his friend? - He didn't have a cell phone.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A midget clairvoyant has escaped from the county jail. - APB reads: small medium at large.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A poll was taken in a sex offender block at a jail. The Inmates were asked what college team they liked best. BYU was the hands down favorite.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prison v Work:


IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
Yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit;
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called your Boss.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us! Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck". He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
-------------------------------------------------
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn?t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.? And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
---------------------------------------------
Jail Credits?

An attorney friend recently became involved in a case in which a criminal defendant had, with the assistance of his defense counsel, worked out a plea agreement with the prosecution in which he would plead guilty to an indictment in exchange for the prosecution and the court's sentencing him to five years of imprisonment.

The problem with this plea agreement was that the indicted charge by statute had a maximum penalty of two years. This problem was not discovered by a jail house lawyer until the defendant was four and a half years into his sentence, at which point the court vacated the sentence and adopted a “Visa Rewards” state of mind and re-sentenced the defendant to: "one year committed to the House of Correction. Defendant deemed to have 1,680 jail credit days."

Jail credit days? Is that like a get-out-of-jail free card? Does he have 1,680 days that he can apply to any future convictions?

Luckily for the defendant, he has a nephew who is Internet savvy and gave him the best advice of any that has been given to him in the past five years: “Try to sell your 1,680 jail credit days on eBay.
---------------------------------------------
The Beginner's Guide to Jail

1. Bring a positive attitude! Sure, jail seems like the worst thing that could happen to you, but it could be worse. Remember the time your girl/boyfriend caught you cheating? That was pretty bad, right? Jail is a lot more civilized. Nobody's going to yell at you, slap you, or threaten to withhold sex (believe me on the last one). Rest assured you'll eventually get the right to a fair trial, not an arbitrary condemnation and a big "fuck you, we're through." The justice system still has faith in you! Just try not to rest assured overnight...all prisoners are treated equally until your trial (this isn't the kind of equal treatment you want).

2. Forget about anything you brought besides a positive attitude. The police officers will confiscate everything on your person, except for your clothes, the moment you enter the jail. Ever felt naked without your cell phone? Prepare to get violated in jail. Read on.

3. You aren't limited to one phone call. That being said, the jail always gets the last laugh. Shit, I must have used the jail phone about 125 times...with a success rate of 0.05%. You see, collect calls don't work on cell phones, and collect calls made to local numbers require the receiving party to setup a credit card account with GlobalTel for $30 in order to receive your call. First, don't expect to recall even a fifth of your friends' cell phone numbers from memory, let alone their home phone numbers. Second, don't expect your parents to shell out $30 to receive a collect call from you—it's just not logical. Your only option? The classic collect-call trick: when the operator asks for your name, you have approximately 4.5 seconds to get your entire message across to the receiving party. Rehearse your sentence before calling. When you've cut out enough extraneous verbs and articles to sound like Microsoft tech support, you're know you're ready. I would suggest including three key phrases: "Your name," "in jail," "get me out."

4. When you get your mugshot taken, visualize Nick Nolte's DUI mug. Trust me, you'll laugh about it later. And if you ever do anything famous, you'll end up on thesmokinggun.com too.

5. Bail bond companies don't accept collect phone calls from the jail. Just how illogical is this? (NOTE: IOWA BAIL BONDS DOES ACCEPT COLLECT CALLS FROM JAIL!) Dumbfoundingly illogical. Put it this way: Imagine how much money you could make as a telemarketer by selling services at a 50% premium to clients over the phone. Now imagine you had to wait for these clients to call YOU. Now imagine blocking all of these clients from ever initiating contact in the first place. Congratulations, you now have the business model of a bail bond company. Don't expect to go public anytime soon. And just to torture you, the jail offers a list of over 25 bail bond companies phone numbers above the jail phone. Oh yes, you can dial them all you want, but that's what we like to call an "exercise in futility." Read on.

6. Do not over-exercise in jail. If you need to do a few standard push-ups or sit-ups to blow off some steam, fine. But do not be the Tae Bo idiot training for the next Billy Blanks video. You don't need to intimidate a bunch of DUI and petty larceny thieves. Besides, you won't be around long enough to bulk up or join a prison gang.

7. Do not try to escape. It's too easy, and you'll only get laughed at. Remember, this is a minimum-security facility where they leave all the cell doors unlocked so you can wander around inside your block (a two-story area with tables in the middle holding about 50 inmates). Look, they even open the door to the entire block to serve meals. Only a couple of napping security guards and a door buzzer stand between you and the outside world. The only escapes that make the news involve rooftops, ladders, razor wire, chisels, tunnels, bodies of water, electric fences, and Iraq.

8. Take whatever meal is offered to you. Sentenced inmates have to take their meals by roll call, but all inmates are eligible to eat whatever tasty entree is on the menu. Remember all the stuff you refused to eat during middle school lunch? Yeah, the cafeteria workers made notes and put it on your "if you ever go to jail" record. This includes a healthy serving of prunes to keep you regular. That being said, if you skip a meal, don't expect to wander into the kitchen for a snack later on when you decide you're hungry. That might be considered an escape attempt, in which case you'll get laughed at for being fat.

9. Find the old guy with the beat-up checkers board and let him win. He'll feel like it's his first day in jail all over again, and you will become his understudy—a valuable position when it comes time for negotiating with the asshole warden. There are two kinds of inmates: orange suits (sentenced) and plain clothes (held until bail is posted, aka you). Old orange-suited Chubby Checker has been in and out of jail enough to know the warden personally and buffer your pitiful pleas with kiss-ass know-how.

10. Embellish the adventure of your capture and arrest until you've gathered a small crowd. Once again, it's all about P.R. If you market yourself correctly in jail, you will garner favors and insight into getting out. After the phone broke in my block and the guard said tough luck, another inmate explained to me that Officer DeMarcus would be in at the 7am shift change to let me use a different phone. Thank you Officer DeMarcus, I now realize that indeed, all 25 bail bond companies do reject calls from the city jail.

11. Don't leave jail without a shower! Each cell has two inmates, a shower, and a toilet. When they call your name on the P.A. and tell you you've made bail, quickly ask one of your enamored inmates if you could borrow their cell to take a hot shower and a steamy dump. Mmmmmm, prunes!

That concludes the "Beginner's Guide to Jail." Stay tuned next year for "Earning Your Bachelor's Degree from Maximum Security!"